Panic

Every Friday I try to come up with somewhere I need to be. Somewhere I have to see.
Every Saturday I wake up and know you're here. So am I.
I remember the person you were not 10 years ago.
I remember the friendship we had. I see the relationship we have.
They don't match.
I know I should live for the future, not look back. I know you will never be the brother I remember.
You were the man I measured my boyfriends to. . . they never measured up.
They were left behind for not being the man I thought you were.
Now I avoid any relationship. Will it be like the one with our Dad? Will it be like the one with you?
How did you become the person I fear? How did I become the person I'm ashamed of? 
How did we end up becoming two families with the same parents?
Dad didn't believe what you do to me. Mom didn't see what you do to me.
Every weekend you attack. . . I defend. I have to back down to make you stop.
I have to let you beileve you're right. I'm useless. . . pointless. . . worthless.
You attacked me in front of Mom. Dad was listening. You didn't know.  You didn't care.
Now they understand why I cut my arm. Now they realize you have fits of rage.
Now our parents are torn between us.
When I leave here you will be an only child. When I leave here I will be an orphan.
Our parents will choose you. You, who has children, a wife, and soon a grandchild.
Our parents won't miss me. Me, who has dogs, cats, and house plants.

I wonder.
Will you realize what you've done?
Will you realize what you destroyed?
Will you ever truly mean the apology someday you will say to me?
Will I forgive you?